I complain a lot on here bc I have nowhere else to do it but I’m going to try to be more positive in general bc I realized today as I was talking to a friend that I got really negative during the pregnancy from being so sick that it’s keeping me down now that baby is here. I need to change my thinking and start being more “happy” minded. Life has been super stressful and hard lately. I could use a good nap lol, but my mood is improving daily and I’m feeling less depressed thankfully. Still looking for doctors so I’m happy I’m not in the danger zone for now :)
Tristan is growing like a weed. I should blog more but I’m so tired lately I forget. I’m gonna try to write more starting tomorrow but for now I gotta pass out while Tristan let’s me!
I snuck off to smoke here and there and it’s helped a lot. That’s fucked up lol. We went downtown to Saturday market and walked around. We sat in the shade and put a big blanket down to lay on. Tristan was just wearing his diaper but the weather was absolutely perfect. Paul and Miranda left to find the food cart pod we have fallen in love with and I was left with baby in the grass and shade. I was surrounded by hippies playing drums and dancing, people playing frisbee and extreme yo-yo and hula hooping and all kinds of different people sitting and enjoying the park. It was awesome to experience all the different sights and smells and sounds…holding Tristan…just us in this amazing weather in this awesome park surrounded by so much diversity and life. It was really fucking cool. I took a couple of pictures I’ll post. I made my first meatloaf tonight for dinner and it came out very good. I’m surprised and proud! Tomorrow we head to the beach (FINALLY!!!) and we will explore tide pools and the boardwalk. I can’t wait to show these things to Tristan as he grows. It’s soooo much better than the swamplands of Louisiana. He will really get to experience a lot more here. Miranda is passed out on the sofa with him right now. I’m taking a minute (or 60) to play on my phone and smoke weed. Shit. The wife just woke up. Gotta go :/
I wish we lived closer even tho we dont really know eachother. Id come over n help you clean n try to tell you every thing is going to be ok because it is. The roads just getting bumpy but your still moving, it will be okay♡
Thank you so much, I really needed someone to say “cheer up” today! I am so flustered and emotional lately it’s hard to discern when I’m being rational or turning into chicken little lol! The sky seems to always be falling lately! I had no idea a baby could throw our world into chaos like this but I am doing my best to remember this too shall pass. Money issues on top of being completely lonely is making it all so hard. I wish you lived closer too haha! I need a bestie that would come watch tv and hang with me while Tristan is driving me crazy :)
I miss having a social life!!!
Monday I have a list of doctors that I can call to try to make appointments for therapy and psychiatry… Went to my primary care physician appointment today even though it was really hard to do by myself… I’m proud of myself for that at least. I’m just very hormonal and depressed lately :/
Totally and hopelessly needing help? What if I’m not capable of handling this stress and financial burden and what if I am not ok? Who can I even tell? Who can even help? Nobody. I’m all alone in this and nobody can help and I can’t tell anyone because nobody understands and even if they could they can’t fix it. What if I actually needed someone to come here and make thing better? Because I think I do. This is too fucking hard right now.
My brother won’t even go to the doctor with me. I scheduled it so I would have his and Miranda’s help and both of them are not going to even come to the appointment. Miranda’s interview with Nike meant she couldn’t take off for the dr today. I hate my life sometimes. I don’t understand why everything has to be so hard.
We need money. I need to clean the house. I could use a shower. The dogs are totally neglected. I have a pile of paperwork I need to go through. I have a drawer I need to clean. I need a friend that can come over and actually make me happy and not stressed out. I need to seriously clean the house. I need time to relax. I need a massage. Miranda and I need a dentist, but we have no dental insurance. We need money.
I hate walking around the house and seeing a bunch of shit we don’t have or need and having to promise myself I’ll get it in a month or two. Who says that to themselves when the run out of toilet paper?!
Have I mentioned my life is shit lately?
Ready for my brother to leave now. I saw Miranda’s check and we will be $400 short for bills… Maybe more…I can’t focus on keeping him entertained when I’m so stressed about how to keep a roof over our heads. I wish I could fix this. I’m so fucking stressed I want to die today. Tristan is crying and I want to tear myself into pieces and disappear.